Will told me the other day that I have testicles. And he's right. Not balls, of which I've been accused of having, particularly of the brass variety, but testicles. Balls on a chick is an attitude, but we're talking anatomy here.

My testicles have names: Joker and Harley. They go everywhere with me, or at least try to. They are short and hairy. Like all other testicles, they have a bad habit of getting in the way when I'm trying to do something. I have to shift them out of the way when getting dressed; if I don't, my pants will be twisted around or both legs will be in one side. I have to push them aside when going to the bathroom. Lying down in bed means having to make sure both testicles have enough room to spread out, or one will be squished and uncomfortable and that's bad.

Walking with my testicles is an exercise in dexterity. They're either right in front of me, and easy to step on or crossing each other and easy to trip over. Sometimes, they're behind me, jostling to get in front, causing my legs to twist and turn or even open wide so at least one can go underneath me to get where they want to be.

Sometimes, I sit on my testicles, usually when they won't move out of the way. Then, they grunt and squirm and try to wriggle out from beneath me. Taking the stairs is especially dangerous. One testicle must always be just slightly ahead of me, while the other pushes us both aside in a rush to be there first. I've mostly mastered the art of cooking with my testicles but they occasionally find a way to get in the way in the kitchen as well. Thankfully, I've not yet dropped a pot of boiling water on my testicles. Scalded testicles aren't something I want to experience.

I have to strap my testicles down while driving, or they will bounce around the car like pingpong balls. Safety comes first, always. I bathe them as well, since no one wants stinky testicles. I also scratch them, a lot. Sitting on the couch watching a movie will find me scratching and caressing my testicles. I like to coddle and cuddle and kiss my testicles. One of them even likes to kiss me back, oftentimes before I've even asked for one. That's the drippy one, Joker. That particular testicle has a tendency to dribble and drool and slurp all over your face. But, he's a cute testicle so it's OK. The other testicle grunts, talks and considers the world her oyster.

My testicles even jostle each other for position, constantly fighting over which one of them gets to be closest to me. They push and struggle for attention and I try very hard to lavish love upon them equally. Being a girl with testicles isn't easy, but I'm learning how to deal with it.

Now, I just need to grow a penis and I'LL RULE THE WORLD!!!