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myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

Today is a nice blend of scheduled tasks and free time: my husband has an appointment with his pain management specialist this morning, then I will be picking up the groceries and running a few other errands. I have a couple of medical bills to take care of, and need to set up another patient portal for another doctor's office. I think I have three doctors who use the same patient portal programming, but you can't link them together, so I need to create a new user for each doctor. It's mildly annoying, but nothing to get angsty about.

I continue to feel strong in my sobriety, comfortable in my food choices, and accepting of the change in financial decisions. I didn't budget in the medical bills (they arrived on Saturday), so I'm contemplating transferring money from savings to take care of them. I'll discuss it with my husband first, but I don't want to put them on the credit card.

I hope you find something beautiful in your day, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

beast and amazon

In shadow,

you are Beast

and I am Amazon.

Together, we see

those who have stumbled

yet did not Fall.

No longer bound to heaven

nor grounded by the earth.

We watch them

dance in the shade,

skitter and weave,

leaves in soft breeze.

In shadow

you are Beast

and I am Amazon

2025.07.06/11.17.2009/04.15.09

myveryown_nemesis

Good Evening, my Beautiful Friends!

Sunday has been very Sunday. I had a short list, because I did a lot of planning yesterday. I walked the dog before it got too hot, put away all of the clean laundry that was still lying around in piles (the items were folded -- I did everything but put them in their proper places), placed the grocery order, and fiddled with the July budget a bit more. I forgot to curb the yard waste, but the bin isn't full, so it will just have to wait until next week -- I'm already in my jammies and have taken a shower, so I don't want to go back out into the humidity.

I'm feeling strong in my sobriety, satisfied with my eating habits, and encouraged by the steps I've taken to correct my spending habits.

As long as I focus on my hoop, life is good. When I think much beyond my hoop, the world overwhelms. So I'm sticking to my own hoop. It just makes sense.

I hope you had a beautiful day, and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

I wasn't feeling particularly energetic, creative, or patriotic for July 4, so I reposted this poem from an angsty 17-yea-old-Me for the #APoemADay project:

america

In America

we are proud

as only we

can be

Our

beautiful

country

is falling apart

God, do

you still

love me?

Purple mountain

majesty

fields of

amber grain

smog cloud

covers

up

my sky

feel the burn

of acid rain

We trample

out the

forests

of our land

of

liberty

we talk

of dying

rivers

from sea to

shining

sea.

1982

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

It is Saturday, and it is officially a Lazy Day for me. Instead of going to my Face-to-Face meeting today, I went to my AA Zoom meeting, because there was going to be a Group Conscience meeting after. If you aren't familiar with AA, that's basically an administrative meeting. One of the subjects on the table was whether or not the group wanted to encourage profile pictures that are actual photos of the members, and what, if anything, should be done to encourage people to keep their cameras on. I felt pretty strongly about this, so I thought it best to share my opinion. While I usually do the meetings with the camera on and I love to see the faces of my AA buddies, I'm very much against the idea that one should feel forced to keep the camera on. One of the reasons why that particular group works so well is because it has always been pretty chill about that. Also, while I don't use it here, my profile picture there is my Stick-Figure-Me icon, which I use ALL OVER the internet. My account here is different, because I accidentally got stuck with a random name I was given (it happened when I was logging in through Google, and somewhere along the way I accidentally accepted it as permament...just so you know, Real_Park would mean absolute zilch to me, if it weren't how you folks know me). I wasn't sure if I was going to stay around at first, so I picked Harry from Sesame Street because I think he just doesn't get enough love.

Back to my point -- with AA, people should get to be anonymous. And online anonymity is fragile. Let people who are reaching out feel safe. As they get comfortable, they can start sharing more, and then, maybe one day, they will just start sharing and never know when to shut up. [Some of my AA shares are similar to my SMART Recovery Check-ins...I just start freeform rambling in the middle of things, because I also see AA and SMART as places where I don't have to mask my ADHD.] I wouldn't feel secure enough to be me if I felt obligated to leave my camera on, just as I am accustomed to my icons, both Stick-Figure-Me...and now, Harry -- he's really grown on me.

I originally wanted to also go to my AA Face-to-Face meeting, because a friend is celebrating their 7-month anniversary, but I am out of social energy. So I'll send her a text later today.

I am feeling strong in my sobriety, comfortable in my eating habits, and working with those new spending habits. I also feel lazy and look forward to taking a nap in about an hour.

I hope you find some sort of beautiful surprise today (it can be as small as a buttercup, or as majestic as a hawk flying above you), and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, my Beautiful Friends!

After I post this, I'm going to start attacking the lawn. The grass is very thick and rather tall, so this process will most likely be start and go. Usually, I like to start in the front, with the bits that all of the neighbors can see, but this time I will need to start in the back, where things have gotten particularly messy. I'm not saying that the front yard isn't messy -- it is. It just isn't particularly messy when compared to the back yard.

After mowing and a shower, I should do laundry. But that might wait until tomorrow, because I definitely stayed up later than I should have last night. That decision will need to be put on hold.

I continue to feel strong in my sobriety, secure in my eating habits, and optimistic about changing my spending habits. I may feel tired right now, but I also feel that life is good. I am happy.

I hope you find something beautiful in your day, have a safe way of coping with the big kabooms of the fireworks**, and as always, thank you for being here.

**Our dog is terrified of them. We have learned that in Ted's case, the thundershirt doesn't help that much, so we usually just let him hide in the laundry room. The big show that the town puts on has a beginning and an end. We can cope with that. It's the lingering booms that continue through the night, since home fireworks are legal where I live. I loved fireworks as a kid, but now I kinda hate them.

myveryown_nemesis

disguises

These are the things

we hide in our closets,

the things that we stash

in wads in our pockets.

Yet wonder why

as time flutters by

nobody knows who we are.

2025.07.02/2024.12.17

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

In my "master plan" of time management (okay, it's not a master plan at all...it's trying to figure out what days usually work best for which household tasks that need to be done weekly and monthly -- daily stuff is pretty easy for me, for the most part), Thursday is usually yardwork day. But tomorrow looks like better weather for it, so I'm going to do my "Power Hour" of cleaning and will probably rehang the curtains which have been waiting to be rehung: one is set too low, and another two high, and I also want to be sure that the hardware is properly anchored because I want to double up on the light blocking panels in the front of the house to try to keep cooling costs under control. Believe it or not, that last sentence isn't technically a run-on, due to my use of punctuation, but I sure did do some running with it, huh?

I'm feeling strong in my sobriety, secure in my eating habits, and accepting my new spending habits. Life is good.

I think I'm going to start writing that letter to Pacific Life today. I want to take my time with it, but I also don't want to let its importance fade away. ADHD brains are pretty good at letting topics of passion fade into topics of interest, which then fade into topics that used to be interesting. I don't want to do that.

I hope you find a pocketful of beauty in an unexpected place, and as always, thank you for being here

myveryown_nemesis

darkling

behind closed eyes,

memory unfurls a heavy cloak,

obscuring the glow

of the hope that waits.

2025.07.02/2024.12.14

The original can be found here

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

I did most of today's household assignments last night, so other than taking my husband to his lab appointment this morning, I'm mostly going to be lazy. Maybe putter around the house a bit.

The AA meeting this morning was a reading from "Living Sober," #18 'Easy Does It.' What struck me with this reading was how ADHD and AUD so often go hand in hand. Even if you don't have an ADHD brain, when you are using alcohol, your brain starts thinking a lot like an ADHD brain. And if you have an ADHD brain, you struggle with some of the same issues as you would if you had an AUD brain. I can feel how my alcohol abuse has permanently affected my patterns of thinking. I don't know if that patterning will ever completely change, but through working with AA and SMART Recovery, I'm learning how to recognize those patterns and use that recognition to change my behaviors. It was a good meeting. I think in my spare time today, I'll work with my Handbook a bit, because I keep letting that slide.

I feel strong in my sobriety, comfortable with my eating, and accepting of the changes in spending habits. It's a good way to feel. I still am getting some spikes of anxiety regarding my past spending, but I remind myself that past-Me doesn't fit inside the hula hoop I am spinning now. I need to carry forward with the information and plans I have now, and let go of past-Me, forgive her, because she was overwhelmed when she made most of those particularly bad decisions. The situation is workable; I will take care of the messes made; it will be work, but all will be good.

I hope you find a pocket of hidden beauty in your day (those are the really fun ones!), and as always, thank you for being here.

myveryown_nemesis

lost things

behind best laid plans,

tucked within best intentions,

never to be found.

2025.01.01/2024.12.13

After reviewing the original [found here], I think I need to revise my revisions, as it was intended to a haiku. I've edited into a not-haiku.

...and it's a haiku again. Well, you could argue that it isn't, since it's not nature based, but it is 5-7-5 once more.

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

I hope you are all doing well (or well enough, at least). Today's focus is keeping house. I have renamed my semi-weekly cleaning "Power Hour", and on Tuesdays (yes, it used to be one of my lazy days, but apparently in summer, Thursday works a bit better as a lazy day, I am more likely to have to say "Nope!" to yardwork due to weather), I'm going to do a "Power Hour Plus" -- the "Plus" is an extra 30 minutes (or more, if I *want* to) for those odds and ends that I haven't been getting around to, and/or do those deep clean jobs that don't fit into the hour of focused cleaning I usually do. For someone with ADHD, I have a rather clean home. I learned how to keep a clean home by accepting that I regularly need to change the way I do some things, while I still stay consistent with others, to satisfy my brain's ability to focus. It's a delicate balance, and I've pretty much got it figured out: quarterly, I assess what's working and what's not working. By nature, I am a slob who sometimes has high-energy, hyper-focused bouts of cleaning. Now, my home is mostly guest-ready most of the time. It's been a lifetime's process to get here.

I also have a teletherapy appointment, but after that, my day is open. So I guess I still get half of a lazy Tuesday, right?

I'm feeling strong in my sobriety, comfortable with my eating decisions, and committed to spending conscientiously.

I hope you find some beauty in your day, and as always, thank you for being here!

myveryown_nemesis

graphite

she plans in pencil

for the gravity of ink

overwhelms.

while the glide of graphite

eases.

another page
another day
and all is well

2025.06.30/2025.06.28

myveryown_nemesis

Good afternoon, my Beautiful Friends!

I literally have a sticker stuck to the back of my hand. I just noticed it. This might be a symptom of going sticker crazy ~~(see comment below~~ see photo below).

I got to bed late last night and did not nap on Sunday, so I was planning on sleeping in a bit this morning. While I didn't wake up as early as I have been lately, I still woke up plenty early to go to my Zoom AA Meeting. So I did. Today was about picking up the groceries and putting out the garbage. I did the former before lunch, but the latter will wait until after dinner...maybe until after the sun sets, as we are under a heat advisory. And I REALLY hate sweating. Yesterday, I set up a new checking account, which is going to be my "allowance account." I decided to go this route, with a debit card and a monthly deposit to limit my personal spending.

I feel secure in my sobriety, comfortable in my food choices, and accepting of my spending choices (though I really want to buy more stickers...and I will, but not until my "allowance" account fully is up and running).

I hope you find some beauty in your day, and that you keep cool and drink plenty of water, and as always, I am thankful that you are here.

alierak posting in

dw_maintenance

We're having to rebuild the search server again (previously, previously). It will take a few days to reindex all the content.

Meanwhile search services should be running, but probably returning no results or incomplete results for most queries.

myveryown_nemesis

last night's dream

populated by horror tropes,
it did not come from the land of nightmares.

a victim cries as her face
forces its way through a steel sieve
and another is plowed
over by the car of a clown.

I still want to stay in the drive-thru.
to collect my Big Mac.

I wasn't dreaming of drinking,
but I dreamt that I dreamt
of drinks I don’t drink.
and I wake
from a dream in a dream
I never had.

I search desperately
for functional facilities
to empty my bladder
in a bright, shiny mall
I have never seen.

I find it
and use it and
realize I am dreaming
I wonder if I’ve wet the bed.

I have not.

I wake and wonder
at my callous dream-self
as I stumble to the toilet
in the dark.

2026.29.2025

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, you Beautiful People!

Today is planning day. I'm trying out some new things, and I hope I enjoy them as much as I enjoy scheduling in my naps! Probably not, though, since it's adjusting my cleaning schedule a bit, and making budgeting a great priority. But they seem like healthy things to do, so I am doing them!

I'm feeling strong in my sobriety, comfortable in my eating decisions, and hopeful about permanent change in my spending habits.

I hope you have a beautiful Sunday, and as always, thank you for being here!

myveryown_nemesis

Good Morning, my Beautiful Friends!

Today is a scheduled lazy day. I forgot to submit the car registration on Thursday, so I took care of that first thing, but only other To-Dos are to fold the towels and go to a face to face meeting. Other than that, I can be as lazy as I choose...or dive in head first into a project. It doesn't matter -- it is totally and completely a Me-Day. A nap will be taken!

I'm feeling strong in my sobriety and food choices, and I feel a sense of acceptance regarding our current financial situation and the spending changes I need to make. I feel like the reckless spending is a little less reckless, now that I'm paying more attention to its plausible results (nothing like playing the tape forward, right?).

I hope you find something beautiful in your day, and as always, thank you for being here!

myveryown_nemesis

graphite

she plans in pencil

for the gravity of ink

overwhelms.

the glide of graphite

eases

her through each new day.

2025.06.28

myveryown_nemesis

There won't be a poem today, because I don't feel much like a poet. Besides, I think anything I would write today would feel incomplete after my last offering. "water fire moon" was one of those poems that practically sprang complete at first draft. So I'm going to rest on my laurels today.

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